Some Great Thoughts on Sex, Dating, Partying
I’m a Christian in a small southern town, and there aren’t a lot of things to do around here. My youth minister says that I shouldn’t go to parties because he says it’s wrong, and I might hurt my witness. I don’t drink when I go, but is it wrong for me to go at all? Jesus hung out with the partiers — why can’t I? Long as I don’t drink, who’s it hurting?
You are right, Jesus did hang out with party-goers, but He didn’t do it because it was cool or because He was bored. He did it because they were the lost and hurting who needed Him most. There may not be anything sinful about going to a party, but Christ commanded us to remain pure and to flee from anything that could tempt us. Romans 12 says to offer our bodies as living sacrifices and not to conform to the pattern of this world.
God also commands us not to do anything that could make someone else stumble. Romans 14 explains that we are not to do anything that could cause someone to doubt our commitment to Christ, even if we don’t see anything wrong with it. In 1 Corinthians 8:9 it says, “Be careful, however, that the exercise of your freedom does not become a stumbling block to the weak.” Our world and our human nature says to do what we want, but the Bible says that we are to act in love toward others and to always consider their needs before ours.
Finally, the Bible also commands us to obey our parents, teachers, and those in authority. This may be the hardest but most important reason to take the instruction of your youth pastor. We encourage you to talk to your youth pastor. Explain why you disagree and let him explain why he thinks it is important that you stay away from the parties. Talk to your parents about it also and find out what they think. The people at those parties do need your love and friendship, and most importantly they need to know your Savior, but it may be that the best place to develop those friendships is far from their party scene. Try throwing your own nondrinking parties. Serve root beer, play music from Christian artists and plan activities to keep energy high.
I met this guy a couple months ago who is exactly what I’ve been looking for! During church I try to concentrate on God, but it’s hard! That’s the only part about liking this guy that I don’t like. I’m letting him get in the way of my spiritual life. What should I do?
Isn’t it wonderful to find someone you really like? It’s such a good feeling that it can take over your whole life if you’re not careful. The fact that you already think this guy is getting in the way of your relationship with God is a sign that you probably need to take a step back and check your emotions. God created us to love others, but He commanded us to love Him with all our heart, soul and mind. (Check out Matthew 22:37.) It’s also important to remember in the midst of your emotions, that no one can fulfill you except Jesus. Even the greatest guy in the world, even the one you end up marrying, can’t meet all your needs. Only God can do that and that is one reason it’s important to keep your eyes on Him and your heart committed to Him. That doesn’t mean that liking this guy is wrong, but letting him take priority in your thoughts, emotions, and life is.
So, what can you do when your focus starts to stray? Keep these practical things in mind. They seem pretty basic, but they can make all the difference. 1) Make the time you spend talking to God each day a higher priority than talking to this guy. 2) Don’t try to make things happen. Trust God. If something does develop between you, it will be even more important that God is at the center. 2) Be the kind of woman that a guy like this would want to be with someday, even if it isn’t him and it isn’t today. Building that character into your life is more important to God than any human relationship. 3) When you’re in church, choose a seat where you aren’t near him. It’ll be easier to focus on God if you aren’t staring at the back of this guy’s neck. 4) Journaling about your feelings will help you to get them out in a healthy way and bring you back to God as the One who is leading you and providing for your needs. 5) Get to know this guy as a friend. Sometimes we can become obsessed with the idea of someone even before we really know what they are like. If he turns out to be all you think he may be, then you’ll have one incredible friend!
I like this guy, and I know he likes me. But he’s not a Christian. Is it okay if we go out?
If you mean go out as in be boyfriend and girlfriend, no. If you mean go out as in go on a date, the answer is still probably not. We’ll explain.
The Bible doesn’t say, “Thou shalt not date non-Christians.” In Bible days, there was no such thing as dating. Most marriages were arranged, and at pretty young ages. But the Bible does give a principle that applies today in 2 Corinthians 6:14: “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.” The yoked image relates to farm animals being closely connected in order to work together. It’s a type of relationship.
From that logic, the wise choice is not even going on a single date with a non-Christian if there are any hints of romantic involvement. What’s the danger? It’s even harder to pull back your heart and emotions once they’re moving forward. But I can lead him to Christ, you might be thinking. Many people have used that “missionary dating” justification. Unfortunately, that makes for a pretty one-sided relationship and puts all the pressure on you to live by God’s standards in areas like sexual purity.
Stick to friendship with non-Christians. You can do things with this guy in groups. You can even invite him to youth group activities and look for other opportunities to introduce him to Christ. But avoid the “going out.” It might be a tough choice, but it’s one God will honor.
I’ve heard lots of people talking about restoring their virginity, or second-chance virginity. It seems like if you’ve had sex before marriage, there is no way to go back—that’s why it is such a big deal. Does the Bible say anything about this?
The Bible doesn’t use those terms speci, but it does talk a lot about forgiveness, which is at the heart of your question. You are right in one sense—once you’ve given yourself to someone sexually, there is nothing you can do to reverse that. The memory of it and the consequences can have a long-term impact. But, just like any other sin, God has promised to completely forgive that sin if we repent. True repentance is when you recognize that what you’ve done is wrong and turn away from your sin completely. When you do this, God promises to forgive you. First John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” That purity is real and complete because of the sacrifice that Jesus made on the cross. His blood is enough to cover any sin, including premarital sex. In Isaiah 1:18, the Bible uses the imagery of sins that are like scarlet being turned as white as snow. So, these people who are talking about second-chance virginity are right on. If they have truly confessed their sin to God, they are free from that sin, and the best thing they can do is to make a new commitment to staying sexually pure until marriage. The best thing you can do is to keep your own commitment to sexual purity strong and partner with some of these friends to keep each other accountable.